This morning I went to a stake women's activity. They did three hours of mini-classes that were focused on how to deal with the trials we women are facing in this world. I took a class on post-partum depression, budgeting, finding joy in motherhood, and safeguarding against pornography. They were all really great classes and I left uplifted and renewed to do better job at making my home a sanctuary. The subject that just makes me sick with worry is pornography. I feel like I can probably handle most problems that might come our way, but pornography is just so prevalent and invasive that it is hardly avoidable. I actually don't know one person that hasn't somehow been affected by it.
The stake president/bishop that gave the talk had alot of statistics and facts that blew my mind. He said that when he gives interviews to young men receiving the priesthood that there wasn't ONE that hadn't been exposed to pornography. And that a majority of them had an addiction to it. He pointed out that these are the "cream of the crop." These are good boys trying to live good lives, but that it’s so invasive and impossible to avoid that many boys fall into satin's trap. He said that 1/3 of porn site viewers are women! The largest group of viewers are teens 12-17 years old and there are over 12 million them. Most kid's first exposure is at the age of EIGHT. This makes my heart ache. He said that if you wait for puberty to talk to your kids about it, it’s too late; they've probably already been exposed.
I had a conversation with a sister-in-law one time and she told me she talked to her boys at age 10 about it and I just remember feeling so sad and sick that they had to have their innocence taken away at such an early age. But I'm trying to get used to the fact that if I don't premtive strike that the world will take their innocence away but they might not have the tools to deal with it.
He told us about the chemicals and our brain function during sexual experiences and even though the information doesn't safeguard anyone, it was interesting and made me understand better why porn is so addictive.
Our brains release four chemicals (this is very simplified and second hand, so take it for what its worth): dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and serotonin. Dopamine is compared to cocaine and it creates a dependency, which in a marriage is a good thing. Norepinephrine helps us remember details vividly and causes us to recall. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical, one that mothers have after birth to bond with their babies. And serotonin is like a “natural Prozac.” It’s a feeling of calmness, stress-free, euphoria. These are great things in a healthy marriage, but think about how all those would apply to images on your computer screen. You can see how addictive viewing porn could become.
So how do we safeguard? First we need to “cleanse our inner vessel.” We can’t expect our spouse or our children to do it if we can’t be clean. I thought about how many movies, TV show, books I read that have sex in them. And I admit that it’s tempting for me to watch and read that stuff. But it made me think twice about that rated R movie when I put it in the context of expectations for my family.
Next we need to make sure we have the spirit with us. He is our guide, he can warn us, won’t fail to see when we might, he will help us see the path our. (D&C 45:57)
Third, we need to communicate as a family and with our spouse. He suggested that we have a daily conversation with our spouse, with complete honesty. And we need to have open, honest conversations with our children regularly. Our relationships with our spouse will teach our children more than just talk.
Fourth, if there is a problem already in the home, remove the temptation (TV, computer, cell phones, etc.) In our home we already don’t have TV or texting, but the computer is the biggest gateway. One feature on our Mac that I HATE is “private browsing.” It doesn’t record any history or cookies when its on. I need to figure out how to disable it permenatly. Not because I don’t trust my husband, but so its not a temptation for me either. It makes it too easy.
What if its already a problem and you need a way out?
-Involve a priesthood key holder-complete confession is absolutely necessary.
-Involve a counsler-LDS Family services provides them.
-Make certain you complete the ‘treatment” and expect relapses.
-Create a 24/7 support person.
-Remove the addictive influences and completely change your habits.
-Think “long term.” Sin is a “I want it, and I want it now” selfish attitude.
He wrapped up his talk by reminding us that the Savior has felt these temptations. He had too in the garden so the atonement could work. He knows how it feels (Alma 7:12.)
I completely believe that this is an addiction that you can’t do by yourself. It’s been said to the MOST addictive drug in the world. I think people can try and they will fail and fail again if they try to do it on their own. If they are serious, they have to involve the Lord and get outside help.
I think its naive to think "it won't be a problem in my family", because statistics show thats not the case. I think we can be amazing parents, have family home evening every Monday, go to church every Sunday, read the scriptures & pray daily with our kids and it can still take over our children's lives. And I've seen it happen in a really amazing family close to me just like the one I described above. Its so destructive and if it goes on too long, it can completely take over someone's life.
I was talking to a woman whose husband occasionally looks at porn and only does it when he knows its "safe." Like when no one else is around, not on a work computer, etc. She said they are very open about it and is assured its not an addiction. But where's the line of addiction and how quickly could it become that? Its completely wrong and there is no justifying it. It makes me so scared for what could happen in that family. It breaks down the spirit. It breaks down the marital relationship. It breaks down sensitivity of what is right and wrong. It opens the door for so many other sins, adultery, homosexuality, child abuse, etc. And how can you safeguard your children if you yourself are involved in it.
I was talking to a woman whose husband occasionally looks at porn and only does it when he knows its "safe." Like when no one else is around, not on a work computer, etc. She said they are very open about it and is assured its not an addiction. But where's the line of addiction and how quickly could it become that? Its completely wrong and there is no justifying it. It makes me so scared for what could happen in that family. It breaks down the spirit. It breaks down the marital relationship. It breaks down sensitivity of what is right and wrong. It opens the door for so many other sins, adultery, homosexuality, child abuse, etc. And how can you safeguard your children if you yourself are involved in it.
My only ray of hope in all of this is that every generation is stronger and more well equipped to handle what is out for them. I guess Thurm & I have made it through the temptations of youth. Not that we are home free by any stretch, but maybe we have that "long term" view more in sight than we did when we were young. I don't think I will ever be able to let down my guard. There are times when I'm very sensitive to bad movies and books. But there are other times when it hardly phases me and I'm so desensitized. And I know in those times I don't have the spirit with me. And how will I be able to help my family like that?
